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Love like you've never been hurt...
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|12:42 pm] |
You can ask me three questions no matter how personal, inappropriate, or random.
I promise to answer the questions 100% truthfullly.
Repost this and see what people want to ask you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|05:01 pm] |
Just so everybody knows:
I hate getting in stupid pointless fights and having people hold grudges and walking away without taking a look back.
I hate thinking that people are constantly leaving me out of crap that I should be in.
I hate this feeling that everybody looks at me differently because of who I am, in a way. If you're understanding me.
Most of all, I hate whispers. Just shut up, oh my goodness.
Drama = end. Please. Let all of this END. Dissipate into absolutely nothing.
School has ended and yet... why is there still some tension?
Fuck this, I want to run away forever. |
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| "If I love you, I'll scream it out to the world" |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|12:39 pm] |
And scream it I will...
I will take half an hour out of my life and write a half decent entry here and collaborate all my feelings, regardless if you read it or not. It doesn't matter, either way I'm screaming it out to the world. And comment if you read this cause it took half an hour to write.
Steve, I love you, and I hope you will know that no matter how far time takes us and no matter how far apart we become in the future. I will always love you, that's my final promise.
It seems that no matter what happens, you will always want to love me the way you do at this very moment - no matter how much my parents might try to push us apart your feelings will still stay strong, and my feelings will always, forever, stay strong. Don't let that change. You might be about the best thing that's ever happened in my entire life - I'm allowed to think for myself and do what I want to, although I am constantly held back by others.
I am held back by my parents and nothing else. Those who care about me and want to protect me for the many years to come. I am their precious daughter who will go off into this world and supposedly do great things; she will go to an amazing college and I shouldn't be wasting time in high school with things about boyfriends and whatnot.
But I believe I should be. Not just to get some experience and a first kiss, but to find out what I want later in life that will help me with this whole marriage process. I should be able to do what I want if it means that I follow my heart. My actions make up who I am. My decision are who I am, and I will pay the consequences for myself, for following my own heart. Not anybody else's, but mine.
And so... when you tell me all these things that warm my heart up like it's never lit up before, I feel safe. Like I want to stay with you forever. You know the perfect things to say to make me realize that I'll be safe. The perfect things to make me smile, never to cry. And if I cry, it's the good kind. You always give me some sort of cushion to fall back upon and I love it. I love you and all you've done for me.
When you said that if you meet my parents and they end up hating you, your feelings would never change for me. Those are by far, the most powerful words I've ever seen typed upon the screen, and they're not for anybody else, but for me. Like I mean something to people. People like you who would bother to care. People who would bother to go through all this trouble and make way for me... it makes me feel floaty.
Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. And even the most random act of kindness that you've shown me always means so much. I want to make you smile as much as you've made me. As for now and forever, my heart is taken. By you.
I love you. |
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| ICONS! FINALLY... |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|10:41 am] |
OHKAY, I've finally got myself to make some lovely icons for everybody...
Rules:
1. Comment with the ones that you are taking
2. Do not redistribute
3. Credit when using in keywords.
Harry Potter
Lindsay Lohan
Mean Girls
Other Music related
Napoleon Dynamite
Spiderman 2
Star Wars RotS
Teasers:
3. 19. 28.
( Follow the icon cut... ) |
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| ... It's over :( |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|09:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Howie Day: "Collide" | ] |
All of today... I just wanted to savor the last few moments of being an actual sophomore taking sophomore classes. I just didn't want to think about the prospect of being a junior next year, the seniors this year leaving, and having to deal with NEXT year's seniors leaving... next year. And I didn't. It felt like I lived every moment out. Every single moment. But at the same time, I wanted to cry. Because chances are I'd never be with the exact same people in the exact same classes with the exact same teacher teaching the same subject again. And today afterschool I was with Steve and Dan in the library and Dan says, "you know, we'll never be sitting like this for a really long time," and it was so true. And so sad.
When I got off the bus today to trek the half-mile home to my house, I couldn't help but to start crying. All of a sudden, this year has ended and all my emotions that I've hidden through the day just came bursting through my eyes. Ten months out of my life had gone past in such a blur I couldn't even remember today properly. All I must have remembered was finding the spot in the library with Steve where you couldn't have been seen... nevermind :D. But in all honesty, I don't remember anything that happened in the beginning of the year. Everything's such a blur, everything happened so fast...
Time flies even when you're not having fun. It's so scary.
And now, I am... what? Unofficially a junior? My fucking goodness, that is scary.
A look back...
Well this year started off wonderfully, with no worries on my mind. Focusing on school, volleyball, doing more than enough to get past in everything, getting the grades that I wanted... middle of year was just plain stressful... I remember just thinking to myself that I wish this year would just be OVER so the work would be OVER and I wouldn't have to be doing stupid things for stupid classes that wouldn't even matter. I remember in the middle of the year getting to know new people, running track, and all that was muchos fun :) And now... too many good things have happened too quickly and all of this is ending way too soon.
Ask me if I regret anything that I've done this school year. And I'll say, without a second's thought, that I didn't regret a single thing I did. I don't regret the feelings that I hurt because now I don't have to deal with those certain people. I don't regret telling people that I love them without them at first returning their feelings because look where I am now. And I don't regret any grades I got, regardless if they brought my average down cause I've been learning constantly from my mistakes. I don't regret a single play I made in volleyball or a single race from track because it's all made me stronger in the end.
Ask me if I want any more from this school year and I can't think of anything? Why? I have my grades, the things that colleges will label me as. I have my wonderful friends to vent my anger out to, to tell everything I need to say to. I have an amazing boyfriend who will literally MAKE me shut up if I'm grating on his last nerve, to remind me that I'm wonderful and most of all, to hold me when I need to be held. Who can ask for more? What more is there to want? There's so much more space in my heart waiting to be filled... but with what? I don't think I need any more.
Ask me for the worst thing that's happened to me this year, and I'm going to say that it's gotta be that one time that I felt like the world was on my shoulders and everybody was turned against me. This was all like, last month. It was that one time when I was really mad at Claudia for this one little thing she said the night before on the phone that totally threw me off, and I was doing poorly in my classes, I couldn't focus, Steve was pushing me away, the Social Studies department thought it would be fun to ruin my life by making us take mandatory review sessions. I think that's as worse as life got.
And as for the best... when everything fell into place. A bit too late (like three weeks ago), but everything still fell into place. Wudan's world was at rest. She felt together, she was relaxing but at the same time, getting the grades that she deserved (or less :P), and most of all, she was liked back by that boy she liked for um... how long? Six months? Life was beautiful. And still is. Kick back just a little (but not too much) and it's all good.
I think the most important thing I learned from this year is to just stay true to yourself; love yourself for who you are and that will shine from you... and then at that point people will LIKE you for that person that you are and everything just falls into place. If you can't hold a strong self-esteem for yourself, how are others supposed to respect you? If you are insecure, how is anything supposed to shine from who you truly are? Sometimes you need to say, 'fuck the world,' 'fuck my friends,' and 'fuck my parents,' they don't know me. Nobody knows me, only I know me, and only I can solve my own problems. But most of all, you need to believe in yourself. Believe in yourself for who you are, what you've done, what you WANT to do, HOW you're going to do it, and WHAT it's going to take for that to happen. I think the hardest part of all that is just realizing that you have potential. Take a look back, look at all the things that have been all said and done and say to yourself, "yeah, I was strong during this time" and you'll learn that you can handle the situation, no matter how hard.
*sighs*
This year was great. I don't want the memories to be forgotten. Keep it coming... just two more years of absolute hell. Then off to freedom :D
To list ten things that made this year amazing: Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, My friends, the grades, track, Steve.
I'm finished. |
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| Here's to the end of another great year; |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|10:02 pm] |
Here's to the nights where I've slaved past ungodly hours;
Here's to the numerous times we've gotten yelled at in French class;
Here's to the times in gym class when Kelly and I kicked some major arse-age;
The times where Downing was an idiot and blew things up around the room;
The times he set the sink on fire (who throws a lighted match in the SINK?!);
The times when Sorrentini tried to intervene with my love life;
The times when she tried so hard and failed so miserably in being a high school student;
The times when me and Andy Wu and the rest of the class wanted to kill Kevin P. Corrigan aka Kevvy P;
The one time when Mager flashed us with her purple/red/pink bra (LOL OMG);
The times when Rome locked us out of the classroom;
And turned us all into communists;
And corrupted our minds;
And looked like a clown...;
Here's too all the racist jokes made in Science Research;
The days where we've stayed in our room working on our posterboard last minute;
The nights where we BSed our hours for biweeklys;
The times Dan tried to beat the second violins in orchestra;
The times Dennis got yelled at in orchestra;
The times in free where me, Tiff and Kelly sat doing nothing;
Here's to the time we all got scarred (except me) by staring at Coach DiVico's balls (ew);
Here's to the times where we did duck walks, endless duck walks along the track while lacrosse players stared us at in awe :];
The times when trackies passed out from speedwork;
And the throwers just stood there and watched us;
Along with the baseball players;
Here's to the great times we had in orchestra;
To 'do you shave your huevos' to 'effin a!' and 'the apple is beginning to roll...';
To 'I ponder a lot. While I do that, I'm going to see how many feet it takes to go up this wall'
To John Williams conducting the gorgeous National Symphony Orchestra;
To the great memories shared with my orchestra dorks;
Here's to the times when I was on the brink of collapsing;
To the times where I've fallen and had to pick myself back up;
Here's to the time that I've had my feelings for somebody come back to me;
Here's to Sandy's quince, possibly only the best party this whole entire school year;
Here's to the Class of 2005, the lucky bastards who get to leave this town and nevurr return;
Here's to YHSO - the legacy continues;
Here's to my random brain farts that everybody had to put up with - thanks;
The track parties during which I kicked major arse in ping pong;
Here's to the time I got the title of 'Asian whore' during winter track;
Here's to all the hours we've spent caged up in an oxygen-deprived indoor track at RCC;
And the times we've spent all Saturday in the baking sun, getting our lovely track tans;
Here's to the bomb threat of '05;
A rainy homecoming evening;
Here's to Springfest and Battle of the Bands;
Here's to the times I've had to bring a posterboard the size of me home and back to school;
The times when I complained (like... the whole entire school year :D);
The times when I felt like crying but held it all back;
...
But most importantly:
Here's to the friendships formed, the ones reinforced, the ones that grew and the ones that dissembled. I can't be more thankful than having my friends getting me through every single day in this jackass school. I love you!
...
And lastly,
Here's to an awesome next school year where I shall meet my death! |
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| Thoughts for everyone. |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|09:05 pm] |
I'm going to stop being emo.
Cause I realized I have so much more than anybody else may ever have in their life, not to sound stuck-up, but it's so true.
I have my family - a brother, a father and mother. Some people don't have one of those three, whether it would be a sibling, father or mother. I feel blessed because these are the people that will always be there for me in life, the ones that I know that will always be there. Although they may grate on my every last nerve, I know they love me. Although my parents may think they know what's best for me (and for the most time they are wrong), it feels like that they care. And knowing that they care is the best feeling. As a sister, I sometimes feel pressured to be so great to act as an example for my brother. But I still pull through. I want him to respect me, to love me.
I have my friends - people who are willingly there for me when the need arises. People who take time out of their lives for me, and I can't ever be any more than thankful than that. My friends are people that I know that will be truthful and loyal to me, and I can count on. They are the people who understand me the best, because they know what I'm going through on a normal basis. We are the same generation and we relate the best. At this time, I would like to thank every single one of my friends for being awesome and amazing... and I love you all. Sometimes I sit back and think about the fights we had and they seem so irrelevant where there are so many of you that are willing to give me a hug when I need it.
I have a boyfriend - to support me when I need help, to break my fall, to hold me in his arms and never let go, to do everything I need to be done without being asked. It seems so magical at times. He's there to tell me that love is tough but no matter what, people who care that much about each other will pull through. He's there to remind me that I am wonderful, that I am me, and I can do anything that I want in life, and most of all, he teaches me to follow my heart. I love you, Steve.
And so, even if I have all these people in life that love me so much... why am I bitching about everything? School, life, parents, this and that? Is it really worth it in the end? No, it isn't! And it doesn't make sense to complain about how hungry I am at 10 o'clock in the morning. Cause on the other side of the globe there are starving children in Africa, yearning for the slightest drop of milk, for the smallest slice of bread. And I'm pigging out in Math class eating my chocolate chip cookies I brought for lunch cause I was hungry from a bagel and cheese at 6:30 in the morning.
Many say that we don't realize what we have until it's gone. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want any of my friends or family members to be gone from my life, because as far as I can see, life is amazing as it is now. I've learned to accept, and that has contributed to my happiness.
Why are we complaining? Why are we complaining with society today is running around the streets with iPods blaring all over the place? Why are we complaining about failing tests when we're receiving education and so many other children are not? Why are we mad when we get in trouble for dropping the f-bomb when other children in other countries can be sentenced to death for it cause they don't even have their basic rights? Why do we complain about not getting our allowances at the end of the week when there are children on planet earth who haven't even seen any form of money? Why are we upset when we can't see a movie Saturday night because our mothers are idiots when there are people who've don't even know what a movie is? Why do we cry ourselves to sleep when a relationship is broken up when children cry in Sierra Leone because they're so afraid of death. And finally... why do we cry, period, about not getting our way when there are people in this world who have NEVER in their life ONCE gotten their own way because of their societal values?
Because we're stuck up, that's why. And we forget about all the little things in life. |
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| Holly's request! |
[May. 24th, 2005|05:16 pm] |
I have succumbed to the great and fabulous Holly.
Here's a healthy entry for all :)
For details, see her comment on my last entry :D |
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| I think it's time for a public entry... |
[May. 22nd, 2005|01:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Switchfoot: "Gone" | ] |
I hereby dedicate this entry to Tiffany ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mar00n. I love you and feel better my darling! You are amazing <3.
On Tuesday (or Wednesday), a senior from Somer's High School passed away as a result of a car accident on Rt. 118 (if I remember correctly, I wouldn't want to be pulling random digits from my ass).
When I first thought of the situation I didn't think much of it, except that it is so extremely tragic to lose a life... especially one of a student... a student that is about to graduate... to go into the world and do such GREAT THINGS.... And they're gone. It must be so painful for the students, because I'm sure Eric was a great friend to all. It must be so incredibly painful for the parents because they have to bury their own child... one can only imagine the pain.
I've never had anybody close to me pass away before, except for maybe my great-grandmother, but I never really knew her. She would make me shoes and clothing when really far back in the day, but I never really really knew her... I wouldn't know how it would feel to lose a loved one... but I know that I don't want to experience it ever...
I didn't realized how blessed I was... and how I've been taking some things for granted. I love my friends insanely, each and every one of you... and I don't think I'd be able to experience life without you. All of you have taught me something about life, love, and everything else I'll need to know to survive in this f'ed up reality. I'm blessed with people around me who care about me... who will do anything to make me smile... who say that they won't ever want to forget me...
... all of this just made me realize how incredibly short life is, and how many lessons we can pull out of life...
... Live in the moment, and not for the moments to come... once the moment is in control and all the power is put into your hands, your fingertips... do what's right because you may never have that chance ever again.
... Live everyday like it is your last... because who really knows what the future will bring? Today is all that matters and live every moment out to its fullest.
... Live like you've never been hurt before... never dwell on the things that should have happened, could have happened, would have been, could have been... no... those are all in the past and there's no correcting them. Live life with no regrets...
... And if you fall in love... don't forget to tell people how you feel about them. Because you might lose that chance forever and they'll never know. You never know who will still be by your side or will be gone in a split second; life's scary like that. Fall in love slowly, but gently so you don't hit rock bottom. Kiss slowly, savor each and every moment you spend with that person because you'll never know when they'll be taken away from you.
... But most importantly, live in the moment and follow your heart. Never deny your feelings, or instincts; do what your heart tells you to. No matter how insane it drives you. No matter how much you want to fight it... don't ever fight your heart. It may take in circles, but at least you know you'll be doing the right thing.
Live life like there's no tomorrow; follow your heart, love slowly, and regret nothing
OMFG I should become a priest. Ess. Whatever they're called. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2005|02:00 pm] |
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
07. Put this in your journal. |
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| someone like you 04.24.051105 |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|01:21 pm] |
eleven fourty-five and i'm not sleeping
i'm writing a ltter just for you
inside are my thoughts of you
and how you make me smile
chorus
ive always wanted someone like you
to hold me through the hardest of times
ive always wanted someone like you
to bring myself back to life
i'm always wanted someone like you
preferably you, only you.
still lying on my bed
thinking about you
the thoughts resonate through my heaed
im trying to think of how you feel
whats up with us now
and are you happy with what we have
we've learned so much from each other
but what is it that i want so bad?
chorus
you're the only one that i think of all the time
the stars light up, twinkle and shine
you light up my sky
and you're the only one that gets me by
chorus
you're the only one i want
and the only thing i can't ever get |
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| untitled 04.23.05 |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|05:51 pm] |
she keeps her flawless complexion
true feelings locked up inside
to think she has it all together
to think that her life was perfect...
she sits confused and lost
with only the silence to engulf her
you say she has her wits
and her passion that burns inside
desire eats away at her heart
and strength that will carry her on
look inside your heart
and find the girl inside
see the boy holding your hand...
... and see the people around her...
wanting to be there...
to guide her through the hardest of times
all she wants is what she needs
all she needs is a place to be
whatever she needs to be
all she needs is a shoulder, a hand to hold
won't you be the one?
won't you guide her home?
she sits, stares at the wall
searching for the answers within
' what do i want?' and
' where should i go? '
' is this for real? '
' ... and where are you now? '
won't you steal away her pain?
and let her breathe again?
no, she's got to learn to do it on her own...
seconds, minutes, hours, days pass
she's beginning to walk, to learn, to breathe
learning to become who she wants to be
having a mind of her own
a heart to follow; instincts to trust
and the people to thank
and to fall in love with you. only you. |
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| Dear mom and dad, |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|01:27 pm] |
I really hope you get the chance to read this entry one day and understand me better...
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|03:10 pm] |
Happy birthday to David! colddiamond
Dunno when you're gonna read this or the next time I talk to you online but happy happy birthdayyy! |
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| How well do you know me? |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|06:34 pm] |
Stolen from Rayna's Xanga, fill this out:
A - All animals/pets I have had
B - My birthday
C - Favorite type of clothes [one top, one bottom]
D - My dad's name
E - What do I put the most energy into
F - Favorite season/why
G - Who should be my guardian angel/why
H - Worst habit I have
I - Favorite icecream flavor
J - My dream job
K - Would I kill someone
L - Who do I love
M - My mom's name
N - Number of siblings [if any] that I have
O - Only thing I wont do
P - Phobias/Paranoias I have
Q - Quote me on somthing I always say
R - Last movie I rented
S - What makes me smile
T - Where am I most ticklish
U - Unusual talent that I posess
V - Greatest victory
W - What do I do on the weekends
X - How many x-rays or broken bones have I had
Y - Favorite youthful moment
Z - Zodiac sign
:D *is so bored* It's my second update of the day... goodness... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|10:10 pm] |
Quick reminder to everybody... Darice kittineko is amazing.
Cause she knocked 123908120938 senses into me.
<3! |
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| Dear everybody, |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|08:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | emo *stabs* | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Story of the Year: "Sidewalks" | ] |
Things aren't the same anymore. Time moves on, people change, I change. I'm sick and tired of this change; I wish that when the good gets going that time will freeze and I'll be allowed to savor that moment forever. Sometimes things are just so good to be true. But time keeps moving and shit keeps changing, and I'm sick and tired of this change.
I want something amazing to happen. I know that many people out there probably feel the same way. I want to breakaway from here, and fly far far away. I want to sail through my dreams. And get away from this place, have a new name and face... sometimes I just can't believe things have gone. Have I told you about my dreams and how perfectly amazing they are? Everything in them is perfect; everything is where I want them to be. Things are constantly in motion. Every dream I have is invigorating and puts life into me. I wish my dreams became reality; that can't happen, however, because everything that happens in my dreams are impossible. They would never happen in real life.
I hate my reality. I hate this reality. I'm sure many people feel the same way. Cause it's never good enough to feel right. There are moments when things are just so good and then everything goes downhill from there. Shit has happened in the past couple days and I'm sorry for the way that I act around people.
I'm just... sorry. I must sound so whiny and bratty all the time cause I know so many people are going through the same things. I know that I'm not the only one who walks this road in life as of now, but I still complain about it. I'm really sorry. Maybe I should just shut up. I'll go curl up in the fetal position somewhere and die. That should do everybody a favor...
So to my friends, who have had to put up with my incessant complaints, I'm sorry. My LiveJournal friends, I'm sorry, I must put you in such an emo mood everyday. And my vagueness. Yes, sorry for not making myself clear like I'm supposed to. And to everybody else that thinks of me in some weird negative way, I'm sorry that you feel that way but just... stop. I don't mean to take things out on you. <3 *hugs everybody*
And Steve, I don't know if you're ever going to read this, but I'm so very sorry about my attitude for the past couple days. I'm sorry for the things I said. I didn't mean it... I don't know what I was thinking. I believe what you said; my heart just didn't want to take it because of some stupid, flawless, analytical... thing. Whatfuckingever. I'm not even making sense. I'm sorry; I trust you in everything you say, even if it may not seem so.
I'm gonna post more public posts. I'm just not afraid to let things out anymore and say things the way they are; having everything bottled inside me just eats away at me and I don't want that. And I promise not to post another entry until I am happy or have extreme random things I'd like to jot down. |
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